I was living in an understanding where I had to become good or “ready” to do the things God wants me to do. I looked at people that God uses in an extraordinary way and I thought they must be good, they must be filled with wisdom, they must be on another level that I need to obtain. A level that I do not have yet. As I read the Word, I understood a lot of it and I thought all my evil and all my weaknesses were disappearing. Like for example I am selfish, so as I read about Jesus and the character of Jesus I read and thought okay no more selfishness but then when thoughts came and manifested my selfishness, I shoved it down and said well no because this is not a Christ like characteristic. Additionally, I was shown how Jesus viewed me and how he viewed me wasn’t selfish, it was love.
So I also shoved it down because that wasn’t who I wanted to be, I wanted to be who Jesus showed me I was. So thats what I did. And its hard to explain, but I basically shoved down all the evil parts of me and counted myself as good. I judged others for not walking in my standard, in the way I walked. But then I would think well you can’t do that and I would get frustrated because again not Christ like and not who I want to be. And the more I read of the Word the more I would shove it down. The blinder I was to all the bad parts of me, I started thinking I’m at that LEVEL of maturity, at the level of where I need to be.
So when I would hear sermons or prayers, of get ready for where God wants to take you, I would get excited because I thought man I’m ready. And I listened to one prayer where my pastor warned us that we cannot value the “clothes” we have from God over God. Like in my example, I cannot value any fame, any attention, any work, any prize or reward more than Jesus. And I remember thats when Jesus told me about trading.
Sometimes we trade or the enemy tricks us into trading: “The Lord’s promises are pure”,1 and the enemy would love to trade2 my promise into a distortion: to lose Jesus and gain my desire, gain my dream. Because I desire to speak on a stage, I desire to be a leader, to explain scripture, to be a teacher like my aunt. But that’s my issue, I love and hope for these things, and pastor said its not bad that you do, God even wants to give it to you; just be careful. And this word “careful” today and last night scared me. The key I received in combating the trade was INTIMACY.
Keep your focus on Jesus, keep coming to Him. When you get a boyfriend, don’t make him your god. Don’t rely on him they way you NOW RELY ON JESUS. It could be anything, don’t put that first. I know how I am with Jesus, I am like a little kid, dependent and in awe of Him. I love Him and thats what the enemy wants to trade out. So my dreams, I am starting to rethink them because at the end of all thinking, Jesus comes home with me, no one loves me nor can love me the way He does. No amount of touching, of being there, of pleasure, of peace, of laughter, can compare to the love of Christ.3
I’ll die before I go back on those words. Even if my boyfriend/husband can prove it wrong, I’ll still decide, effortfully, NO. And if thats my boyfriends goal, break up with him. I like what pigsflyidie said, “take your spouse closer to the kingdom of Heaven”. If we don’t do that for each other I don’t want it. Anyway going back to my issue, my other issue, I was believing that I had made it to the next level. I even judged the ones around me to be less.
The boy I heard speak one night, I found what he said basic. Not a Christ like character and I knew that, so I tried to fix it but the more I had these thoughts the more I realized; I’m just becoming worse not better. It wasn’t until my aunt spoke that the Holy Spirit made my judgment extremely potent. She talked about the fire near our house and her shoes, and I was basically rolling my eyes. I walked out and realized: I judge. I judge it all beneath me. And I also had embarrassment from my singing, but I went home and ate my feelings away. I woke up the next morning awful but the first thing I heard in my mind was through Christ, “you are okay, through Christ you are forgiven your sins, through Christ you are no longer judged against, through Christ, through Christ, through Christ.”
I even rolled over in bed and my blanket cupped my face, it felt like the Holy Spirit’s hand holding my cheek. Very sweet.
I learned that I am evil.4 And no amount of Word, no amount of intimacy with Jesus can change that. Not until I leave earth and stand before God, physically. Paul talks about our new bodies in heaven, how we long to put them on like clothes.5 In my walk I had forgotten what Jesus said, “I have called you by name”, He meant all of me, and all of me is bad. All of me is evil.
I struggled with letting Jesus love the awful parts of me, yet I wrote it down, that He accepted me. I guess this is a different angle of the same leaf. I struggled with this too when I would look at myself in the mirror and hate me, He gave me 1 Corinthians 13:12. Now I’m back. But with a twist because I added complexity. It’s not about being good. It’s not about that LEVEL. I will always be me, an evil creature. Because sin entered the world and twisted the purpose of our existence.
“Sin stained the purpose of creation”, humanity is the bad tree that can only produce bad fruit.6 I was born with sin. In Christ your sin is forgiven, but since we all fall short of the glory of God7 and the righteous fall seven times, but get back up again8, we still live in world of sin and are tempted to sin9. I know that even though I sin, I am not a sinner in Christ. I am a vessel that holds good fruit and can be the tree that God says we can be. But the producer is the HOLY SPIRIT10. My focus is not me, it is the life and purpose I have in God. I don’t do any good MYSELF and I never will.
Jesus said why do you call Me good? He lived in this body and even though He didn’t sin, He could not call Himself good. So imagine me. It’s not about the good deeds I do, I have no good deeds. The nuances is that God judges us good, Holy, righteous and perfect.11 How? By believing in Jesus Christ as the author and finisher of our faith.12 Ex. not falling into temptation, putting His word on top of your feelings, or loving when you want to get angry, or humility. Paul says I cannot judge me nor you for the One who judged me is the Lord.13
In John you read a lot on how through Christ you are judged righteously all because you believe in Him, you believe who He is, the Son of God. I will continue to be evil, to be a bad person. To be selfish and judge. I’ll continue to hurt others, but what God said to me is that it’s not about you, it’s not about your level, it’s about “MY WORD”.
“I send it out and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to. And it will prosper everywhere I send it”.14 Another version says, “It will not return to Me void”.14 Regardless of my state, how I am, where I am, who I am in that moment of time, His word will be in Me doing what He wants it to do. And even in the bad times. When His word is sent out and its purpose is so refine me in a bad time; it will do just that. But I know that what I perceived as bad or painful He’s actually doing it out of love. This is painful for me.
Yet I see why the Holy Spirit does this; He is protecting me. What He promised a while ago to do. What I pleaded Him to do. I am nothing, and there’s some sadness to that, its normal. But that is my understanding now. I trust the Word of God.
Even though I am judgmental, selfish, and self-centered, I think God will still work through me. I will try my best to unlearn and learn, to remove and replace, but to also remind myself, accept that you will sin. Accept that its a nature while not an identity. All THESE THINGS OF COMPLEXITY DON’T MEAN MUCH. What matters is that God’s word which is in me, is gonna do the work, is gonna do the thing which it means to do, regardless of me. And I find it encouraging because when I fail, when I am short of God, when I am short of His goodness, when I am just blah. His word will remain in me and carry out the things I cannot carry out. Thats what Jesus wanted me to see, thats why its not about me, its about His word. Its about Jesus, its about God. I had a fear of failing, the Holy Spirit said you don’t determine whether you fail or not: I do. And because I am in you, you cannot fail. Theres actually a few verse I know or know where they are in the bible that says love (God) cannot fail. Cannot fail you. Even when I perceive a failure, no its not because God isn’t looking at it as a failure, its just like a trial, count it as joy. I don’t know really how I am to live my life now, this was heavy for me because for months this was stability this was my understanding, this was not something I was aware of, I didn’t know I had this in me.
But I walk away from this with peace, just like the rest of Isaiah 55 says. I walk away with Jesus, if anything closer to Him, and thats where 2 corinthians 4 comes in. That as we are in pain Jesus becomes more evident in our bodies, it proves our dying bodies but our spirits renewed. I hate to sound morbid but thank God we die one day. I would love to learn what a few of my favorite songs say that heaven is here on earth. I think they mean that Jesus is here, the Holy Spirit is here. I know they are here, in Spirit. Mayo said its a certain level of faith. A little confusing now. But regardless i’ll learn it one day. Good thing I have a lot of time to learn. As long as I have my Jesus, I will be okay. I’m even okay now, I’m throwing a party in my mind, Jesus did what I had always hoped, He’d protect me and fight for me. So even though I woke up older in my body I woke up different, I have Jesus, more close to me now. It’s time to unlearn my idea of God, my idea of myself, my idea of other people, and my idea of my future. It’s time to relearn all of it. The one thing I am sure of is that His word will do what it intends to do. And God is love. Just look at my Jesus.
Index
1- Psalms 12: 6 NLT
2- Ezekiel 28: 16 NLT
3- Philippians 3: 7 NLT
4- Mathew 7: 11 NLT
5- 2 Corinthians 5: 1- 6 NLT
6- Mathew 7: 17-18 NLT
7- Romans 3: 23 NLT
8- Proverbs 24: 16 AMP
9- James 1: 13 NLT
10- 1 Corinthians 3: 5-7 NLT
11- Colossians 1: 22 NLT, 2 Thessalonians 2: 13 NLT
12- Romans 3: 25 NLT & Hebrews 12: 2 NKJV
13- 1 Corinthians 4: 3- 5 NKJV
14- Isaiah 55: 11 NLT & Isaiah 55: 11 NKJV