Exodus 33: 19 NLT
The Lord replied, “I will make all my goodness pass before you, and I will call out My name, Yahweh, before you. For I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose.”
God has chosen humanity because He forgave all our sins by sending Jesus to die for us.1 God has chosen humanity because it is by Grace that we are saved.
This verse stood out to me because I am also chosen by God. I have received mercy therefore, I have been chosen. God has reminded me this morning that I am His chosen. Being God’s chosen is my identity. It is who I am and I have learned that when I know my true identity, satan’s lies of distortion and discomfort fail.2 I receive mercy everyday3 because I am forgiven for my mistakes. I am forgiven for my thoughts and desires. I am forgiven for my faults. I understand I am not perfect and there are some imperfections that God will leave in me because there is not one human who is amazing and perfect.
However, I know my heart and the person I truly am, I am good, warm, kind, loving, and complete. So I try my best to act in the way God sees me. Yesterday I struggled a little with thoughts that are not from God. Sometimes thoughts that are confusing, and liars because there is an evil imagination that comes from my heart4; but thank God that I know who God is, that I can fight thoughts that scare me into submission. I knew that what I was hearing and feeling was not from God, and His word says, “For I know the thoughts that I hold towards you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a hope and future.”5
I want to talk about why certain thoughts may pop up. Yesterday I heard and felt a lot of emotions that are confusing and scary. It brought up past mistakes and emotions. Emotions that tried to alter my identity. Emotions that caused a lot of pain in me and other people. So why did I have these thoughts yesterday? The root of my why is that the answer is insignificant. I don’t believe I am called to analyze my why in everything I feel.6 I understand that what I feel is valid because God made me with emotions, however I know most importantly that as a child and creation of God I am called to live by faith.
Faith comes from my spirit7 and emotions come from my soul. The Bible talks about the flesh and spirit fighting each other constantly. The flesh focuses on what my thoughts mean. The flesh puts my emotions on a pedestal and challenges me to figure out what each emotion and thought means. I honestly could care less about what my flesh wants. I’ve done what the flesh wants. I have analyzed myself in the past only to come up with untruthfulness. Because my understanding of myself and others is wrong.8
This is why, knowing identity is key. Who am I? A chosen of God. This fundamental truth, my identity, changes the whole ball game. I know I have an actual enemy. Man is very much alive as I am. Satan wants me to think that he is not real, a made up persona, but he is very much alive. I wanna say 50 percent of the time the lies come from him and he’s a master manipulator of making it seem like what I sometimes think about is true. Or what I feel momentarily is true.
I heard a women talk about satan in a way I never heard before. He doesn’t know anything internally. He just watches patters and runs with it. He does not know what the future holds, he doesn’t know what I think, he doesn’t know my heart, he doesn’t know me, he just WATCHES. So he can say “I have watched you since you were born.”
God knows my thoughts, He knows my heart, my desires and goals. He knows my intentions, He knows the future, He knows my end and beginning. He can say, “I have known you since before you were born.”
Hear the difference.
The purpose of yesterday’s thought and emotions were simply to distort my identity. I can type out other reasons, but its root is my identity. I love God because He is my greatest protection, He gives me truth in a world of lies. I need to know my identity in order to feel and obtain the peace that is the world’s and mine’s hunger. I need to know my identity in order to be myself. I need to know my identity in order to be who I am called to be. In order to fulfill my purpose here. I have walked my life too long lost and confused. Now that I found who I am and the reason for why I breathe, I can never let it go, let alone let some emotion change it.
The flesh combats the spirit, so emotions combat faith. Me deciding to not let emotions dictate who I am or my day is me having faith in God.
I was in the bathroom breathing through my anxiety. And as soon as I decided to quiet the flesh and sow into the Spirit, the Spirit reaped everlasting life.9 I was no longer walking by what I felt or imagined. But what is true. I had a peace that surpassed my understanding for the rest of the day. I enjoyed nature and my company. I enjoyed the wind and its sounds. I enjoyed Jesus’s hand on mine and his arm wrapped around mine. I enjoyed my identity.
A second thing that stands out to me in this verse (exodus) is that God says He will show compassion on whom He chooses. The safari definition of compassion is “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.” I mildly like this definition. God has said in the Bible before that He would rescue His people from Egypt because He was concerned for their well-being seeing how they were terribly mistreated and were suffering.10 The word pity throws me off because it looks and feels to me like it carries a negative connotation.
But the definition of pity, according to safari, “the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others”. As a child I always thought pity meant a bad thing, but it sounds like a kind thing now. Anyway this verse is amazing to me because I lived this word yesterday. I had thoughts and emotions that were fighting my identity. I had thoughts and emotions that tried to tell me I am attracted to my friend. That I am attracted to someone who will be a testimony of God because God is going to transform her life. This person is very special to me and I know we are in each others lives to grow and become closer to God. I think of them as my miracle.
Just like my dad is my miracle. My family is my miracle. I think of myself as a miracle. I fall into that category of potential. This person is extremely special to me because of God. I find it interesting that satan tried to use my friend to distort my identity. And to bring up things from the past. I kind of have to laugh. Satan really does not know what is going on inside of me. He has to use the past to get my attention. Now I don’t go analyze what my own feelings mean because they are unimportant to me. But I do want to touch on how my feelings are valid.
I don’t know why sometimes satan can use my past to then resonate with my present. I felt attracted to my friend. But just thinking about this statement now I know that is untrue. For the past week I’ve been watching k dramas a little intensely, on Friday all I did was watch a k drama. It was like 31 episodes, 40 something minutes long each. All day. Little breaks. I emphasize this because God showed me that what I watch has an effect on my perception. What I watch, what I consume, what I associate my time with, the words I hear, the scenes I see, all effect my perception and therefore my emotions.
So for the past couple days I’ve been longing for someone. I like k dramas because they don’t have so much sex in them like regular Netflix, its very timid and “slow burning”. BUT it affects my identity. It may satisfy what I long for, but after watching episode after episode I wanna throw up. Reel it back to yesterday and I find myself feeling attracted to my friend. Instantly I am taken aback. This is important now because this is where I choose to lean into my own understanding or God’s.
I have been walking with God for about a year now and I know He is the One who answers all my questions. So He reminds me in the peek of my internal freak out that He is always with me.11 That instantly calms me because I don’t analyze what I feel, I just rest assured that He is with me.12 Anything I think or feel He already knows and already has an answer for me. Knowing that I am His child and loves what He says about me, I am reminded that I don’t truly feel attracted to her. It’s an emotion that comes from the flesh and I am not of the flesh. Not truly. I am not attracted to my friend.
I then come down from that peek and continue my day. But because I did not find the answer I did this morning, satan has room to whisper in some lies. My flesh has room to keep on feeling. So as the day went on and I interacted with my friend I continued to feel attraction. Then it got to a point where I became uncomfortable. Not by my friend, they didn’t do anything wrong, I became uncomfortable by myself. So what do I do? I go and talk to God. I make myself heard.13 I make GOD HEARD> I tell myself “bethsy you are not attracted to your friend”. And I break apart my emotions and combat them with God’s word.14 The only thing that wins is His word because in my own strength and persuasion I fail. But God never fails, so I never fail. I come out from talking with God and I am not longer uncomfortable because I know who I am and I am no longer giving room to the flesh because I am walking in His spirit= His strength= walking in my true identity.
In the past I’ve analyzed the emotions while in my peek of freak out. Questioning what my emotions try and tell me. Questioning my identity. Questioning if I will change.
In the past, I’ve identified myself differently. I’ve vocalized my change and that decision caused a lot of pain in myself and others. Why? Because it was untrue. My decision to begin with was fulfilling. I thought I had figured out an answer and I ran with it. I thought I explained why something was and I shared it. I accepted it. That same decision ended with brokenness, with losing a lot of people, and being the cause of many tears.
That moment of peek where you stop and question because you feel a certain way, is where you decide: do I find the answer based on myself or based on what God says? I hear God calling me to choose Him because He doesn’t want to see me in pain. He doesn’t want to see those around me in pain either. God doesn’t want me to find a lie. He wants me to find the truth.15 He wants me to find the root of why something is and that root tells me something about myself. Something true.
I learned that watching Netflix is damaging because I feed off of a script. I am called to feed off of Him16 so that He and I can create a beautiful reality. God has already made a plan and life for me, He’s just waiting patiently for me to walk in it.
I once saw this picture on Pinterest. A notebook opened and one side said MY PLAN and the other said GODS PLAN. The MY PLAN had one beautiful flower on it and the other had the whole page filled with beautiful flowers on it. I see the perspective and think, “I want my life to be the way I want to do it.” I dove deeper, we do have the liberty to live the way we want. To express ourselves the way we want, to communicate and be the way we want. GOD WANTS THAT TOO. But how do you know what you truly want when we are constantly being influenced by everything around us?
How do I know I truly want this shirt when I see this shirt being styled this way, being worn by this person, being promoted by this company, being shamed by these people, etc? How do I know what I truly want when I truly don’t know if half the things I think aren’t mine? How do I know what is me when most of my life I have made decisions that leave me empty? For most of my life I felt alone and incomplete.
“I have known you since before you were born.”17 I am FIRST HAND witness of this being true. I know God has known me since I was born, that He truly knit me together in my mother’s womb because ever since last year when I decided to break my heart to Him and let Him repair it I have seen Him fill my deepest wounds, I’ve felt His fingers wipe my tears in darkness, far from home. I’ve felt His Spirit move my soul in a room full of people crying out to Him, I have received visions of my future and of my broken present. I have received promise of restoration. I know that what I truly want God knows.
I may create a life for myself that is beautiful. I can create that flower. But I also may not. Because in my own abilities I failed time and time again. When I thought I figured me out something new came along and changed it. When I thought I gained stability life came and threw me off balance, when I thought I found love, in the end, I was broken and confused. When I thought I reached my goal I was depressed and wanting more. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know anything. I am 19 years old and for 18 years I was lost. Well I guess 16 because I wasn’t really “grown” the first couple years of my life.
I was tired.
I was so tired.
I was in a lot of hurt. And God came in the most perfect time to rescue me. To show me that my life was actually created to be like the page “GODS PLAN”. And I am testimony of saying that I am living on that page. I know I am alive because I am typing yes, but my soul and spirit is alive. Alive in Christ, the only way to truly be alive.18 Come hell and storm I am unshakable.19 Why? Because my foundation is God because HE loved me first. I know who I am and I know what I want now because I know God and I ask Him to show me who I am and what I want. I am no longer broken, I am not longer unsatisfied, I am not longer incomplete. But I am actually made perfect, mature and complete lacking nothing.20 How I love YOU FATHER.
The thoughts and emotions will always come that’s something that will never go away. At least not until Jesus comes back. But for the time being, negativity and lies will come and that’s okay. All it is, is distraction, the Bible calls them thorns. I struggle with the thorns. And if you read Mathew when it talks about the seeds in the thorns, the thorns purpose is to stop the growth.21 I am constantly growing and satan’s purpose as well is to stop my growth. I can see the two coming hand in hand. Things happen to stop my growth and thank GOD He gave us the key. His word + faith= victory.
I wanted to share this and I feel it was the Spirit writing for me because I too was reminded to hold onto my identity. And that it is by faith we are truly alive.
Index
1- John 3: 16 NLT
2- Mathew 16: 18 NLT
3- Lamentations 3: 22-23 NKJV
4- Genesis 6: 5 NKJV
5- Jeremiah 29: 11 NKJV
6- Jeremiah 17: 9 NKJV
7- Romans 10: 17 NKJV
8- Proverbs 3: 5 NKJV
9- Galatians 6: 8 NKJV
10- Exodus 3: 7-10 NKJV
11- Deuteronomy 31: 6 NKJV
12- Psalms 16: 9 NLT
13- Psalms 17: 6 NLT
14- Ephesians 6: 10-17 NLT
15- John 16: 13 NLT
16- John 6: 53 NLT
17- Jeremiah 1: 5 NKJV
18- 1 John 5: 12 NKJV
19- Hebrews 12: 28 NKJV
20- James 1: 4 NKJV and Hebrews 10: 14 NLT
21- Mathew 13: 22 NLT