I think I’m starting to understand who God is. I think He is more beautiful than my mind can comprehend. Yet I see Him in all things. I see Him in darkness.1 When my thoughts and my emotions team up against me. There’s something else that tells me not to listen to it.2 I see Him in the eyes of people. I think everyone is precious in my sight, so I can’t help but tell them God bless you. I see Him in nature and am amazed at His creation. I see Him in silence, and thank the peace. I see Him in a mirror, telling me to smile.
I think that humanity by itself is ugly. We are ugly. The things that bring me sorrow like fighting, lies, perverse lips, and beating down are rooted in us. It is easy to do those things because everything in us tells us to go for it. So why not do it? Why not speak when everyone tells us to? I learned that when I do what my gut tells me to do or what my head tells me to do, I see ugly. I see it more than I usually do. But I love when I listen to my heart. A small, still voice that says everything the opposite. It’s hard to let this voice guide, to let it drive me. Because I don’t have any control. I don’t get to call the shots. I just sit back. And then kneel down.
Something I’ve learned from the kneeling down: it’s my favorite act to do. I kneel down to the voice of my heart that sees beauty. I had to ask myself why I love beauty and not ugly? What is ugly and what is beauty? I think it’s like this: The beauty warms the parts of your heart that are vulnerable, that I am scared for anyone to see. While ugly hurts the parts of my heart that are vulnerable, so I rise against the hurt and seek out everybody else’s hurt. That right there is the train wreck effect of hurt. I asked myself, what is hurt? Hurt is pain. Pain that was so strong for me to feel I decided to do something against it. Rooted in hurt springs all the ugly. I’m not ugly. I learned this when I found out who actually decided this. Everyone is trying to find that very same question. It gets asked to all the things in the world. To all the people.
Ever asked it to someone who isn’t from the earth? What if our answers lies in something greater than the earth? Greater than a human? It took a long time for me to find out who that is. And it wasn’t until people spoke of things I related to and sought answers that I found my way home. When someone can offer me, better yet give me the beauty of what those parts of my heart seek, why wouldn’t I take it?
Fear.
Fear is the ultimate freezer. The ultimate stop sign, if you will. There’s no way someone can heal the hurt I’ve felt. The confusion I struggle with everyday. The noise in my head. The voices in my room. The fighting in my house. The cold of this world. The unknown of life. This is all fear talking. Have I asked the deep parts of my heart, that’s vulnerable and is scared for people to see, this question?
Try it.
I’d like that. Is what I thought too.
How can something really heal me? How can something really love me? Be on my side?
I’m staring at something I found on pinterest that says, “He has made everything beautiful in its time”.3 I think of you, the person reading these words on the paper. On the page.
When I let the deep part of my heart, thats vulnerable, thats scared for other people to see, I believe it. I mean when I really let it. Let it. That smile, it’s finally a smile that isn’t rooted in anything, but beauty. But love. That love, that peace, that uncomprehending feeling of not being able to believe it; but for now you are. That is GOD.
There’s a God up there who knows and watches over all us strangers.4 Who knows those deep places in our hearts. Our spirit. Who knows the pain we feel. The hurt from that person. The disappointment of ourselves. Yet the most beautiful thing about Him, is that He sees none of that. None of the ugly. Time is a funny thing. Because for Him, it’s nothing. Yet for us, it is everything. The ugly for Him is nothing, and the ugly to us is everything. The worry, doubt, fear, looks are everything. But to Him it’s nothing.
What do I do with this? Well if it’s nothing to beauty then it means nothing to us.
That’s new. That’s scary.
Remember fear is the freezer. Keep going.
If it’s nothing, okay then what do I listen to? Listen to the beauty. Who’s the root of all beauty?
God.
Remember doubt? It’s a diversion. Keep going.
Why God? Why should I listen to God? Because everyone is looking for beauty. It comes in all forms, but the root really is God. The warmth in your heart you are seeking. That’s beauty. If you were to look at the spirit in that way. I can promise you, it is beautiful. So, with all this being said, “He has made everything beautiful in its time.” In this time, He has created you. Yes, He created You.
You can ask Him how, it’s a special realization. One that should be private. Personal. Don’t be afraid, you can ask Him.
Since He has created you in this specific time, He has made you beautiful. Don’t be afraid. He has really made you beautiful. I don’t just mean physically, but internally. Your character, which holds the most value. He has made it beautiful. I know this because all of His creations that He calls by name, are beautiful. You can look this up. Type in the internet, “I have called you by your name, You are Mine.” That’s a cool realization too.
I freaked out.
I ask you now, will you still believe who says you are not beautiful? Why? Why fill your heart, the deepest parts of it, with a lie? A lie that causes hurt. You’ve had enough of that. Let it go. I promise you, that if you tell that voice, “I am beautiful, because God says I am” it HAS to flee. Don’t be afraid.
It’ll go away. It has to go away. No seriously, it has to has to.
One more thing. Before I go. I mostly started out writing this because I wanted to talk about how beautiful God is. How amazing and giant He is. So I will. Because this is my paper. God is someone I’m starting to understand and not just His ways and wonder. But His heart. His character. He loves me. He loves every part of me. And He has asked me, waited for me, sustained me, and hugged me when no one else could. Not even myself. I realize this every time I kneel down. Every time I fear. Yes I do it too. Every time I open those deep parts of myself and just say, “here, take it, because I want nothing to do with it.” All my ugly, all my weakness, all my hurt. I give it to the one who surpasses it all. I like beauty. I like peace. I like joy. And I have another quote from pinterest, good ol’ pinterest.
“The place God calls you to be is the place where your deep joy and the world’s deep hunger meet.” That’s by Henri Nouwen. I’ll let you figure that one out.
Enjoy. Amen.
Index
1- Psalms 139: 11- 12 NLT
2- 1 Kings 19: 11-13 NLT
3- Ecclesiastes 3: 11 NLT
4- Jeremiah 1: 5 NLT