Ever since I met Jesus my mind awakened. It no longer fixated on the world around me, it fixated on Jesus. I was met with promise after promise, finding a great treasure in the Word of God. And I slowly faded away, falling in love with Christ. Until He told me to stand in front of the thing I was most afraid of; other people. I grew up with a desire to be seen/acknowledged, I grew up with a desire to people-please. I struggled with God’s instruction to speak because I became paralyzed with fear of what they would say back to me. Those months were the most difficult, trying to wrap my mind around why God would call me into the 1 thing I grew terrified of.
My weakness turned into my worst self-damaging nightmare. Because I was afraid of people; the FEAR OF MAN, I started realizing I valued more what people thought of me than Jesus. This was my truth and I was ashamed of it. So I grew into my own master, whipping myself with a rope for every thought that feared man instead of God. I hated myself for the times I would be a coward. I created thoughts that challenged my fear, but then created a hit for failing to fall through.
I sat in church one day watching someone do my dream; speaking. And I sat in my car and rushed into Target to say the words I had been dreading/yearning to say, “Jesus loves you, have a great day.”
Months later my fear subsided, until I started hearing in my mind, “go tell that person about Jesus.” I panicked because I didn’t want to disobey, but my pride said, “we don’t know how, they will judge me, I don’t want to.” So I became this never-ending broken cycle of go and stop. And with the following weeks I began to believe that God hated me. Because I never obeyed Him, He would remove every good plan He promised me. I began to be afraid of Him.
I began to become my own savior, leaning on my own strength to walk with Him everyday. I began to run away in order to “fix myself”, so I could come to Him looking like a warrior on the outside. I woke up every day determined, afraid and deeply tired. But the whip I had made was deeply-integrated in my spirit. I was so afraid and sad that my emotions reached a point in doubt of my salvation. My deepest desire, whether I felt it or not, was to live forever with Jesus. I thought and still do, “it doesn’t matter what I go through on earth, one day I will die and I will live forever in the arms of Jesus”. This desire was presented to me and it spoke out, “you will never even see it.”
The belief of never seeing Jesus broke me.
The fear became so terrifying I worked even harder to get over my fear. So I became an even harder master. I determined within myself, to get over myself. Because that was my only issue, so I thought; pride and ego. No. It was much more than that. But that girl didn’t know, so she just made it her life’s mission to get over her fear. I walked everyday determined to tell someone about Jesus, determined to do something I was afraid of. Determined to prove to God her worth, determined to prove to God that she could, all while hoping He would accept her.
She “did it”. She talked when she could. She did what she could. But at the end of every day she hated herself. And the next day the determination didn’t subside. It was even greater if anything, mocking how she was yet farther.
It wasn’t until she decided to tell someone about her hatred that she was able to finally notice God.
HOLY FEAR. my definition: the attraction/pull of a human being towards God via seeing the lovingkindess of Jesus Christ.
This is a very short and sweet definition. It encompasses SO MUCH MORE. But as someone who thought fearing God was only reverential in order to “see God” or “be right with Him” or even because its what the bible says to seek, Fearing God is what has healed me of my own self-condemnation and the lies of satan. I bet he really thought he had me this time. But Jesus very clearly states, “now I say to you…which means rock…upon this rock I will build my church, and all the powers of hell will not conquer it.”1
I began to read how Holy Fear can drive out every other fear. The fear of self, the fear of people, worldly fears, doubt, misunderstandings, and most importantly seeing God the Father, in the face of Jesus Christ. For Christ IS THE VISIBLE IMAGE of God.2 And when you have this clear vision of God, you have a clear vision of yourself.
“God’s word is alive and working and is sharper than a double-edged sword. It cuts all the way into us, where the soul and the spirit are joined, to the center of our joints and bones. And it judges the thoughts and feelings in our hearts. Nothing in all the world can be hidden from God. Everything is clear and lies open before Him and to Him we must explain the way we have lived.”3
I love this whole thing. But what I highlighted is what I want to focus on. I struggle with being my own judge. We, ourselves, are our number 1 enemy, satan can take a seat.
Why? Many reasons, but I think of Jeremiah 17: 9 (EASY) warning us, “a person’s own mind deceives him, more than anything else does. Nobody can change it to be better. Nobody completely understands it.”
I want to give an example of how my mind worked before I encountered true HOLY FEAR.
“I think God wants me to talk to this person, oh but I’m scared. Then you don’t love Jesus over everything. But I do. I need to go talk to that person. No I can’t. I must work harder to do it…I’m tired, frustrated, confused and a little sad, but I can’t show God.”
This mentality is a mix of months I walked. But straightforward.
So God showed me something, “the thing you thought I wanted you to do, had a root (the why I do what I do) that was seeking approval. You already have My approval.”
My root was: I am trying to win Your approval God. I want you to accept me. I want to come to You and say, “You were right to choose me, because here is evidence of it.” So naturally my mind confuses thoughts that come from God versus from me. It’s not bad to speak to people about Jesus, as believers, that is everyone’s mission: sharing the gospel. But the issue is the underlying root: because I desired God’s acceptance/approval. Jesus says I am already approved/accepted. So why do I have to work for something I already have?
This example helped me see my issue with believing God’s plans for my life. You see, I believed that it was up to me to get it together and work for God’s plans. And to a certain degree this is true. But what our work is, has to do with disposition and continuation. I am reminded of, “it is not by force nor by strength, but by My Spirit.”4
Whether its believing/keeping the faith of God’s direction for your life, God’s protection over you, God’s promises, trusting the way He operates, or trusting what you don’t understand/seeing no way out, God’s word says, “For Jesus Christ, the Son of God, does not waver between ‘yes’ and ‘no’. He is…God’s ultimate ‘yes’, He always does what He says. For all of God’s promises have been fulfilled in Christ with a RESOUNDING ‘yes!’. And through Christ, our ‘Amen’ (which means ‘yes’) ascends to God for His glory.”5
I forgot the gospel. I forgot that I am not my own author/finisher of my faith. I am not my own savior. I am weak and poor in spirit.6 So on the days where I couldn’t see God’s how, I made my own how. This is my hope for you reading: when you can’t see God’s how, do not create your own, for in Jesus there is a how. God cannot lie.7 God is faithful.8 So when He showed you what He will one day do, He WILL DO! Our yes, that is a result of what He showed us, is through JESUS as well! And our yes is for His glory, not our own.
Now, “we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God.”9 Amen.
Index
1- Mathew 16: 18 NLT
2- Colossians 1: 15 NLT
3- Hebrews 4: 12-13 NCV
4- Zechariah 4: 6 NLT
5- 2 Corinthians 1: 19-20 NLT
6- Mathew 5: 3 NLT
7- Hebrews 6: 18 NLT
8- 1 Corinthians 10: 13 NLT
9- 2 Corinthians 1: 9 NLT