the after of visiting my all too familiar place

I woke up this morning, with the deep voice within me saying, “its not enough”. I thought about my days and like a checklist I saw all I did wrong and concluded, “what you are doing is wrong, just not enough.” And to add, Jesus feels far, like we are separated, He is gone. But no, I know that there is more to this fear and doubt. So I began to pray and read my bible.

I was reading 2 Samuel 17 when one of David’s sons was after him wanting to take over Israel, and 1 line stood out to me and looked at the bigger picture, “…that he be captured and killed.” David spent a lot of time in the wilderness, running and hiding from people that tried to kill him and steal what God had given him, king of His nation. Well I heard the Holy Spirit compare it to my all too familiar place. Because that is where I keep waking up, the place of doubt in myself. That voice that wants to tell me I am not enough. And its a voice I actually listen to, because sometimes it is right.¹

So I looked at David and I saw that he spent all this time running and hiding and I heard the Holy Spirit speak, and I asked, “what if this was David’s all too familiar place? Where he found himself back in the wilderness, running. Did he see himself and say what the heck? What am I doing here again? Do I keep failing? Why do I find myself here again?” I have to ask, is that what DAVID thought? Did he ask am I doing something wrong, am I failing a test or a situation, because I keep finding myself here!

I heard the Holy Spirit say, “God causes all things to happen over and over again.”² and He reminded me that the bible says, David was successful in everything he did because the Lord was with him³ and the first thing Samuel says about David before we even knew his name is that he was a man after God’s own heart.⁴ So you see, there is a purpose for why God allows this emotion to come into me. I had just read a day ago of a man cursing david and david’s friends said lets kill him but David rebuked them and said that if the Lord has put it in the man to curse him let him curse me.⁵

So yes, this visitation hurts because it hits my deep rooted fear and worry. However, God promised me that I would not visit it again blindly, but in purpose and I see it this time. I may find myself here a lot, and thats okay that doesn’t mean I am doing something wrong. The bible says David was successful, he did good, he was seen as a man after God’s heart! What more good can you get than that! To be pleasing God more?⁶ Than this?! So screw my thoughts, what my voices try to say. I read in the gospels that Jesus said, SO IF THE SON HAS SET YOU FREE THAN YOU ARE TRULY FREE!⁷ And since the only opinion/word that judges me is Jesus⁸ and He loves me and forgives me then thats all I need to be happy, to keep moving forward.

See my issue is morality. Good versus evil. I’ve talked before about how I view it, but in a nutshell I love pleasing God and my human mind cannot see all the time that I live by grace not by works, that His word will prosper in what He sent out⁹ despite of who I am. The Holy Spirit took me to Philippians 3: 3, “We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. WE put no confidence in human effort, though I could have confidence in my own effort if anyone could.” And I understand that last part, because I can look at my life and say yeah I do all the right things, and I think to a degree this is manipulation to discourage and draw me away from grace. Man will always live by sight and will want to rely on human logic than God’s word. Which is logic when you humble yourself. But Paul says all that is garbage.

Human effort is nothing. It is what Christ has done for me. So when voices in my heart want to tell me, that what I am doing is not enough, or is wrong and that Jesus feels far for a reason, that’s not true. This is my trial I guess, that I can practice my deep root of conviction: He chose me not I to Him¹⁰, He loved me first¹¹, His grace is enough for me¹², in my weakness His strength is perfected, His word will prosper in that for which He sent, where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom¹³, Jesus loves me. 

Also I want to write that by their fruit you will know them¹⁴, I sometimes listen too much to voices and don’t look at the physical evidence. Like I said I get what Paul says in verse 3, “if we were counting human effort I would have confidence because I do good things”, but when I also see Him-grace- as the reason and author of it all I understand the gift¹⁵ of it all and I am able to enter into His rest.¹⁶ I do see the fruit God has created in my life and the errors I judge as awful deteriorate me as it is all I see. When I see my friends posts about me and say things of me I react, woah and cry because I ask is that really who I am? That wonderful? And if that’s what my friends say being evil, how much more does my Father in heaven think of me? I laugh because dang, SO MUCH MORE! So please bethsy, pick up your cross, and also His gift of peace.¹⁷ Over your mind and heart. Amen. 

Index

1- Zechariah 3:2 NLT

2- Ecclesiastes 3: 15 NLT

3- 1 Samuel 18: 14 NLT

4- 1 Samuel 13: 14 NLT

5- 2 Samuel 16: 5- 13 NLT

6- 2 Corinthians 5: 9 NLT

7- John 8: 34- 38

8- 1 Corinthians 4: 3- 4 NLT

9- Isaiah 55: 11 NLT

10- John 15: 16 NLT

11- Romans 5: 8 NLT

12- 2 Corinthians 12: 9 NKJV

13- 2 Corinthians 3: 17 NLT

14- Mathew 7: 16 NLT

15- Romans 4: 16 NLT

16- James 4: 6 AMP

17- John 14: 27 NLT